Deathbed

For the most part the patients were either bedstricken or capable of walking but not necessarily all there mentally. I did however have 2 particular exceptions 1) a man who was a doctor and on suicide watch (ill tell you more about this fellow later) and 2) a man who was on the brink of death (who i will tell you about here).

With most other patients you had to entertain them in one manner or another, whether it was parcheesi or stopping them from tugging at their tubes and or hitting you/themselves. This situation was a little bit simpler. The poor old bird was laid up in bed dying slowly from what i diagnosed as cancer. Granted im not a doctor so it was probably something other then cancer. Regardless I had to keep an eye on her machine and should she flatline i was to alert the nurses.

The nurses by the way were absolutely adorable. I spose it comes with the job of working in the palliative unit. I somehow doubt families would be comforted with the thought of Nurse Rachet watching over their dying relative. Regardless these women were sympathy incarnate. It was as if i was dying and they were to look over me. Theyd walk in every 20 minutes offering pillows, juice, blankets and breaks. Christ, they sent me home 2 hours early AND i got paid for the whole 12.

God bless em all.

Admittedly it was a grim situation so really someone had to make the best of it. The poor thing looked as if she was ready to expire (not in the sense that she was sick but in the sense that she looked a thousand years old). It was at this point that she really was a shell of a human. There was nothing left for her in this world. Thankfully she wasnt hooked up to lifesupport so it wasnt a matter of someone pulling (or not pulling) the plug. It was more an issue of when she decided to go.

Im not lying when i say these things, I may be understood as twisted having written and thought this at the time.

I wanted her to die.

Now there are two reasons behind this, the first being the most obvious.

She was using up alot of electricity.
Just kidding.

As mentioned previous She looked as if it was her time.

It really did.
Now for all the hurt that one feels when a loved one passes away there is always the knowledge (or sometimes the knowledge) that they are in a better place.

I can first hand say that ANYWHERE was better then that room at that time.

Then again i was alive, able to breath and run and was paid to be there, so i suppose one could argue that that hardly counts as a valid opinion...

The second reason was that I wanted to experience death first hand.

Now before you get carried away i dont mean that in the sense that I wanted to watch her gasp for her last breath as I forced a pillow down on her soft face. It was more the case that I was genuinely curious to see someone that im somewhat detached from (im not a total sociopath here thank you) pass in a relatively natural manner.

It was genuine curiousity, not a god complex.

I suppose in hindsight that palliative care isnt really the place to look for that as most people there are in particularly shitty situations. Then again that could be used as a justification for a desire to see them dead. See the vicious circle? Prob not, YOU prob dont wanna see anyone die.
Fffft.
Prude.